Okay, we kind of get the whole Infinite Monkey Theorem that states that a monkey, hitting keys on a typewriter for an infinite amount of time, will eventually type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare, or, even more impressive: the opening paragraph of The Sunforth Chronicles, one of the greatest novels ever written (available just in time for Christmas at better bookstores everywhere, or online at

http://www.strangledeggs.com/books.html ).

But the crazy kids at the Intelligent Information Laboratory at Northwestern University -- who apparently have way too much time on their hands, and nothing better to do with mommy and daddy’s hard-earned tax/education dollars -- say they have invented a computer program called Stats Monkey that can actually ape a sportswriter (right down to the ill-fitting clothes and poor hygiene, if not the unquenchable thirst for free beer) and write a completely competent sports story. Thus making (gasp) sportswriters (gasp) as obsolete as cufflinks, pay phones and monkeys working on typewriters when functional, affordable computers are readily available.

According to the Northwesterners (motto: Quaecumque sunt vera, from the Latin meaning, Your mother wears army boots), sports stories can now be written at the push of a button.  How?  Well, “Given information commonly available online about many games – the box score and the play-by-play – the system automatically generates the text of the story about that game that captures the overall dynamic of the game and highlights key plays and key players.”

Apparently the system is based on two underlying technologies: one that we don’t fully understand, and one that we don’t totally get. The bottom line is system crawlers search the Internet for pertinent facts about any given game, then they assemble those facts, in order of relevance and importance, discerning what is the actual news in the story. Then the Monkey spews out the story in sports-speak: that is, in purple prose replete with generous doses of overstatement and ripe cliches:

Their backs were to the wall.  They just played their game (because to play someone else’s game seemed stupid). There was no tomorrow so they gave 110.9 percent.  They were wearing their game faces (lacy thongs and highs heels to die for).  It’s one of the unspoken rules of sport (that we’re always speaking about).  If they’re going to win this thing, someone has to step up.  Records are made to be broken.  And, don’t you know (you stupid, uneducated, ignorant bastards), there is no ‘i’ in team (although there is a silent ‘q’ that no one ever seems to want to talk about).

According to The New York Times, the Stats Monkey is “pretty great and pretty creepy at the same time.”

We know what you’re all thinking: yeah, but do Stats Monkey stories stink?  We wish.  The Times notes that while the concept sounds like “a recipe for robotic, lifeless journalism, the weird thing about Stats Monkey is how not-that-terrible the stories (it generates) are...”

Thanks Intelligent Information Laboratory at Northwestern University for rendering us all redundant.